If you’re ever playing baseball against my team you should try to hit the ball in my direction because I probably won’t catch it and If I do catch it I probably won’t be able to throw it very far or In the right direction This is because when I was a kid nobody taught me how to throw a ball. Or catch a ball. Or dribble a ball, or stop a ball … [Read more...]
There Is No In Or Outside
Last night at dinner my son Sam, who is three, asked, "Is Tom going to die?" Tom's his brother. Tom is two. It's hard when your three-year-old asks if he's going to die, if his brother's going to die. Because they are. And yet parents, especially with very young children, are possessed by the need to keep those children alive. It's a losing game, you know it, … [Read more...]
When Bad Kids Happen to Good People
I just yelled at my son. Then I put my hand over his mouth to stop him from crying. Then I told him I was going to count to three and if he wasn't up the stairs by then I was going to pick him up and carry him into the house. Then I counted to one and he dashed up the steps, wailing. I knew my actions were bullshit and didn't do any good. I was also a little worried that the … [Read more...]
What Happens When We Die
I had my dog put down last week. That is to say, I had him killed. But that sounds harsh, and I loved him, and didn't want him to suffer any pain at all. So I'll say I had him put down. He was a good dog, but good dogs are numberless. Everyone's dog is the best dog. Everyone's dog is good. So I won't go on too much about my good dog. It was a hard decision, not … [Read more...]
What To Do When Someone Pees On Your Head
Someone peed on my head once, a long time ago. Oh, many years ago. At a party in Montreal. Actually, we couldn't get into the party, for some reason. We were milling about downstairs, under the fire escape, deciding what to do. And I said, Hey, it's raining. Only no one else was getting wet and it was just a single stream. And then at once we all understood it was a guy pissing … [Read more...]